11 November 2007


Vi-te admirar-me. Naquele momento, não me "comeste com os olhos", não tinhas um ar surpreso, nem aquele teu olhar malandro. Estavas a admirar-me, pura e simplesmente... Ainda hoje, depois de tantos anos, continuas a admirar-me, e descobri-lo nos teus olhos nas mais variadas situações quase me tira a respiração. E tu, que reclamas do sol, continuas a querer ter luz. Queres sentir-me através dos olhos, saber o meu prazer pela forma como me contorço, conhecer o que sinto pelo vermelho-rosado da minha pele. Queres ver-me morder o lábio inferior, e sorrir, em antecipação do que vem a seguir. Queres ver as tuas mãos morenas na minha pele lixiviada, e a pele-de-galinha por elas causada. Queres ver o rasto brilhante onde a tua língua passou, qual rota traçada por terras conquistadas... Queres deixar que os meus olhos, mais rápidos e eficazes que os lábios, te digam o que sinto. Queres absorver-me, guardar em ti uma imagem infinitamente detalhada de tudo o que sou e de tudo o que sinto...
E às vezes pergunto-me: será que te apercebes do quanto o teu olhar me acaricia? Será que sabes que esse olhar que me percorre, absorve e admira, também me toca e me encanta? Que fico enfeitiçada pelo deambular desses teus olhos vagabundos?

... Acho que vou passar a vida toda a tentar causar esse olhar...

25 October 2007

True Sciences

The lesson didn’t actually get off to such a bad start as I’d anticipated on seeing the old bat walk into the room. Her (meandering) starting speech eventually gained grudging attention, if not quite respect, from the assembled students:

“I’m only an old Science, and I’m aware a lot of you look upon me as an outdated crone who longs for past glories...”

Nah, whatever gave you that impression?

“… and maybe I do, it’s only natural – you’ll see, when your turn comes – but that’s really not the point. I’m not here to change your opinion of me…”

At least she’s realistic in her goals…

“…nor – despite what you clearly think, judging from the looks on your faces – to preach about how much better everything was back in my day.”

Now that would make her a first!

“And you have been forced to take these lessons, not to keep an old crone in a job,”

Oh no?

“but because you must learn how to behave if you ever want to be taken as real Sciences, worthy of that name.”

So much for the promising start, then. Two minutes in, and she’s already preaching from on high! At least she’s not asking questions, so I can just doodle the time away…

“As children, we were all taught the sad tales of alchemy, astrology, and so many unfortunate others, but that’s all they’re ever taken as: stories, misfortunes that befell others, but could never ever happen to one of us. But these aren’t just stories, and each of us is closer to those unhappy endings than you think. So, dismiss it as a doomsday view if you wish, but my advice to you is this: since you have to be here anyway, take a moment while you are here to admit the possibility that something bad might happen to you, and use your time here to learn how to avoid disaster.”

And you’re going to teach us? Please!

“So, lesson number one: care for your appearance. It doesn’t matter whether you dress up in fancy formulae or impressive cutting-edge methodology, but it is very important that you look honest. It’s understandable that you don’t want others meddling in your affairs: they simply don’t know enough about you! But they’re going to judge you anyway. The only way of minimizing their interference is to be so self-controlled that they won’t feel the need to control you. Besides, Journalism, Society and everyone else are busy with their own matters. As long as they feel they can trust you, they’ll mostly just accept what you say as true. Of course, appearing honest doesn’t necessarily mean being honest, and that leads us neatly to lesson number two: DON’T be tempted! If you’re caught – and everyone is, sooner or later – pretending to be honest is even more likely to lead to your demise than merely appearing dishonest…”

Don’t lie. What would I ever have done without such valuable advice?

“By now the most intelligent – or alert – among you will have noticed an unaddressed problem…”

Why time slows down so much in boring lectures?

“…how can you guarantee you’ll seem trustworthy and self-controlled, if no-one ever sees the real you?”


“…all anyone ever sees is the picture your followers paint of you, the image they project.”

Aha! So it’s all their fault!

“So, the question remains: how do you guarantee they project the right image?”

Oh no, she actually expects us to answer that! How can we make sure they make us look right? ...Punish them when they don’t?

“Yes, that’s a possibility…”

…whoops, I didn’t mean to blurt that out!

“… but, aside from what form that punishment should take – which we’ll discuss later – would you know when to administer it?”

When they make us look bad?

“Yes? Is there a suggestion at the back there?”

“Well, if the image everyone has of us comes only from scientists… if they’re not honest we’ll look dishonest!”

“Exactly! Now, unfortunately our time is up, but we’ll continue this discussion next lesson…”

At last! Finally, we’re out of there, and can turn to more important matters! Speaking of which, I wonder what those little devils are up to… Let’s see… those two are in the lab with some of Chemistry’s people, they all look harmless… That one there is recording data… on his own? What if he’s making it up? If anyone finds out, I’ll be history! Someone go check on him, make sure he’s not lying! Someone? Anyone? Please? … Hang on, I’m getting paranoid! That’s only his lab notes, isn’t it? Yes, he’s archiving them in the lab records, so that’s ok… But he still might have made it all up! I have to do something! Right now! …Ok, calm down, take a deep breath… Even if it is a lie, it can only really harm you if it gets published… and no journal will publish it if it’s a lie! Will they? No, of course not, they’ll have people check stuff before they make it public… but… how would anyone know? If he’s convincing at it, how will they know it’s not real data? He was on his own, there are no witnesses… If anyone else is working on it with different results, they’ll probably get suspicious when the false ones are out... but by that time they’ll have been published, he’ll be proved a liar and my image will drop! I can’t let that happen! This is really serious! I need to stop this right now!

“Hey, why all the racket?”

Huh? Oh, it’s you.

“Are you ok?”

No, I’m not ok! I’ve got a guy in there making up lab notes, and there’s no-one else in the lab to stop him! I’m going to be ruined!

“How did you find out?”

What do you mean, how did I find out? He’s there, all alone in an empty lab! Surely even you can see that!

“Yes, I can see he’s alone, but how did you discover his notes were false?”

… Oh… I ... I didn’t, I… you have to admit he looks suspicious!

“Well, yes, but… how about you make sure before going into a panic?”

Ok, I probably should have thought of that… let’s see, then… Oh… looks like he is being honest after all… But… if he wasn’t, no-one could stop him, could they? We really must do something about that… Make people work in groups, or at least in labs with other people in them, to make it harder to cheat…

“Yeah, you have a point… I’ll go check on my people, I think…”


Wow, I never thought that class would have such an effect on me! I was really getting paranoid! … Take that little one there, choosing which results to include in the paper she’s writing. A minute ago I’d be getting all worked up thinking maybe she’d deliberately leave out the results that compromise her theory, but she’s obviously just selecting the relevant ones, isn’t she? Especially with other people in the lab while she’s doing it, surely… although they are all concentrating on their own work, no-one is exactly looking over her shoulder to check she behaves, are they? … Ah, but wait, she’s not actually changing the original records, so if there’s any doubt those can always be used to clarify it… meaning she won’t be “doctoring” her results… unless she’s really not that bright – in which case, everyone will see through it and realize she’s the one who can’t be trusted, not the science myself. So there’s really no need to be so frantic, I guess…

All that snooping around almost made me forget I’m supposed to be meeting “the gang” for tea! I’d better hurry…

… At least I’m not the last one to arrive – I should have known B would be late. Ah, there he comes! He’s not looking his usual laid-back self, though…

“Hi, guys, sorry I’m late, but you’ll never guess what happened to me!”

Nothing good, judging by the look of you…

“Well, that silly ‘How to behave’ lesson got me thinking, so I decided to check up on my people”

Yeah, I got a little paranoid there for a while, too…

“Paranoid? I should have been more paranoid ages ago! Can you believe I actually found one of them stealing someone else’s ideas?”

I know it sounds bad, but… as long as it’s actually right, does it matter? I mean, will it affect you? So this little scientist of yours is a thief, that’s his problem, as long as the ideas are sound, your image is fine.

“Oh really? If my scientists can’t trust each other, who’s going to trust me as a Science?”

Ouch… I hadn’t thought of it that way…

I’d also completely forgotten G was with us, until she shifted position before joining the conversation: “I don’t mean to digress here, guys, but I just realized this whole thing may answer my question.”

What question? You’ve been quiet as a mouse ever since we arrived!

“I know. I’ve been thinking… You see, I left that lesson wondering why on earth we had to worry about scientists being dishonest. I mean, they’re our people, they choose to dedicate their lives to Science, and the reward they get for it is basically prestige. If they’re dishonest, they’re jeopardising any chance of prestige they might have!”

“Well, considering we’ve just confirmed they are dishonest, there must be a flaw in that argument somewhere!”

“Yes, I knew there must be, but I only found it now, listening to your tale.”

You did?

“Yes. Think about it: why would someone make up results, or ‘select’ the ones that suit them? Because if they don’t publish their ideas, someone else might!”

“So you’re saying they lie to avoid getting robbed? Seems to me that’s quite a twisted argument…”

“Not necessarily. I mean, it doesn’t have to involve theft. There are almost always several different people working on the same problems, so there’s always a possibility that someone else might come up with the same ideas, but only the first to publish them will get credit as the ‘discoverer’. So there’s a race on to see who can publish an idea first, and if the pressure’s high enough some little scientist might be tempted to speed things up by fudging his results, mightn’t he?”

Yes, you’ve got a point there, but there’s also another possible explanation, you know.


One that somehow seems to be related to a lot of human behaviour: money. A lot of our people are paid by companies who have a vested interest in the results.

“But surely those companies are only interested in the results if they know they can trust them?”

Well, that depends. Yes, if they’re planning to use those results to help them develop products, then they’ll want reliable results, but if our men are testing the companies’ products, then they’re likely to be happier with favourable results than with true ones.

“Hum… If that’s the case, I have the feeling our only hope is that there are enough competing scientists – and companies – out there to keep each other in check…”

Well, we can always see what the old crone (as she calls herself) has to say…

“What, is it time for class again already?”

“I’m afraid so…”

So we traipsed back to class, and upon entering were struck by this message on the blackboard:

“In the beginning, our followers were either aristocrats or sponsored by aristocrats, so Science was ruled by gentlemanly ideals (or so people liked to believe).

As young Sciences, you have inherited those ideals, and you must continue to uphold and aspire to them, even though your followers no longer live in such a gentlemanly world.

It is your job to find out how.”

Looking around, I could see my thoughts reflected on G’s, B’s, and every other face in the room: just how are we supposed to do that?

24 October 2007

Better hands

Sim, tenho duas mãos e sou perfeitamente capaz de pôr um fio quando não estás por perto, mas... Gosto de sentir o pendente roçar-me o peito enquanto sinto a tua presença atrás de mim. Gosto de levantar o cabelo e expôr o meu pescoço à tua mercê, cabeça ligeiramente inclinada para a frente, com os teus dedos a tocar-me ao de leve, quase por acaso, enquanto "lutas" com o fecho... Gosto de sentir o calor da tua respiração na minha nuca se te debruças para ver melhor... Gosto de ver o teu olhar rápido para o espelho quando acabas, enquanto deixo cair o cabelo para cima das tuas mãos no momento em que as tiras... Gosto do nosso trocar de olhares antes de admitirmos que "já está" e voltarmos à nossa vida... Gosto de ver nos teus olhos, nesse intante, aquele resto de "aprovação" do meu aspecto, e de sorrir perante isso (por fora e por dentro)... Gosto de te agradecer com o beijo que me apetece na altura - rápido e repenicado, ou prolongado e saboroso, conforme o instinto do momento...

...Tenho aqui um fio... não queres vir pôr-mo?

17 September 2007

Safe in you

Spread my wings,
close my eyes
Forget small things,
embrace the skies

Let this moment engulf me
Let the world disappear
Let there be no time but this one,
no place but here

Postpone fear and worry,
Cherish this breathing
that makes me so sorry
to think that I'm leaving...

8 August 2007

A minha vida dava um CD

Puseste o CD a tocar, e a música bateu em cheio no que me ia na mente... o que não deixa de ser incrível, tendo em conta as centenas de CDs que há em tua casa... Deixei-me ficar, deitada, confortável e quieta, a ouvir... a deixar a música tocar os filmes todos novamente na minha cabeça... sorrir com coisas que na altura não conseguia... recordar... imaginar novamente o que ia acontecer a seguir...

Oiço a música e lembro-me de já ter estado ali deitada a ouvi-la... Tal como mais tarde oiço outra e me lembro de saltar ao seu som... Oiço uma música e lembro-me de me teres dado aquela letra escrita...
Oiço uma música e lembro-me da nossa primeira vez... em que não havia música para além das ondas, da nossa respiração, e dos nossos comentários "embriagados" pelo que acabara de acontecer... E lembro-me de alguns dias depois te escrever a primeira carta, e acabar de encher a folha com a letra de uma outra música - de um cantor do qual tu nem gostas, mas não interessa. E isso lembra-me um outro dia, em que te "escondi" um bilhete no bolso, convencida que o tinhas sentido. Só horas depois, já em casa, recebi a mensagem: Não imaginas como fiquei feliz ao encontrar o teu bilhete! Uns meses mais tarde, escondi bilhetinhos pela casa toda, para que os fosses encontrando ao longo do dia... Se soubesses o gozo que me deu escrever aquelas mensagens!... Confesso: adoro preparar-te essas pequenas surpresas. E adoro ver-te reagir a elas... adoro o facto de me deixares cantar-te músicas no caminho para casa sem tapares os ouvidos nem esconderes a cara... adoro o facto de prestares atenção à letra e perceberes o que quero dizer...

E depois lembro-me: foi com uma música - a nossa música - que puseste fim à nossa primeira grande discussão antes de ela começar! Só podia ser um bom sinal...

15 June 2007

Tempos e vontades

Às vezes, só quero ficar... assim, como estamos hoje. Sorriso nos lábios, anichados um no outro, serenos e felizes. Agarrados a este presente, sem querer mais nada que esta cumplicidade, estes dedos entrelaçados... o teu coração a bater-me ao ouvido e as nossas bocas a trocarem conversas, falando de tudo, dizendo disparates, brincando juntos...

Outras vezes, fazes-me sonhar... sonhar aqueles sonhos que desde criança não me atrevia... sonhos com vestidos brancos (ou não), convidados, discursos, surpresas... sonhos com paredes e tectos, camas e berços... sonhos que raramente me atrevo a articular, mas aparecem de mansinho quando menos espero.

E depois há as vezes que fico com medo do futuro, e de como vamos lidar com ele... não o futuro longínquo dos sonhos, mas o futuro próximo... medo do desconhecido que está ao virar da esquina, do tempo e das circunstâncias que nos vão afastar... medo das nossas reacções (tão diferentes!) ao afastamento...

Mas há sempre, sempre, a noção da sorte que tive em já ter tido tanto, e a segurança dos teus braços e do teu olhar, que se juntam para me fazer acreditar!

7 April 2007


Lembro-me de passar fins-de-semana no XiraBasket e no torneio da SFRA, e lembro-me de passares horas em campeonatos de trampolins por este país fora, a apoiar-me, filmar-me e (sobretudo) a aturar-me...

Lembro-me de chegar a casa depois de uma semana nas Berlengas, e não ter quarto por estar a ser pintado. Lembro-me de ficar na conversa contigo, de uma cama para a outra, até altas horas da madrugada... mesmo depois de a mãe nos ter vindo dizer que dormíssemos, que tínhamos um longo dia pela frente e que eu estava cansada... E estava, mas... as nossas conversas sempre foram assim, inesperadas, e inesperadamente longas. Palavra puxa palavra, uma história lembra uma aventura, uma expressão lembra um receio ou uma novidade, e as palavras vão-se estendendo... Mas só de vez em quando, que a maior parte das vezes nem falamos muito, vamo-nos só certificando que está tudo bem com o outro.

Mas de vez em quando... de vez em quando há estes momentos. Momentos em que passamos a tua hora de almoço de sábado toda na conversa, ininterruptamente, trocando palavras e olhares cúmplices à mesa dos avós, e prolongando a conversa até teres que entrar no carro e ir trabalhar. Momentos como quando me telefonaste para a Islândia porque fui a primeira pessoa com quem quiseste falar quando o teu namoro acabou, apesar de normalmente não trocarmos muitas confidências nesse campo. Momentos como eu ter de repente vontade de falar contigo a meio do inter-rail, precisamente na semana em que (sem eu saber) tiveras um acidente de carro... Momentos em que me pegas ao colo quando um de nós chega de viagem, e rodopias. Momentos em que passamos horas a pôr o mundo no lugar, em que rimos juntos de piadas que mais ninguém percebe, ou em que te consigo fazer cócegas sem levar pontapés (braços torcidos não contam!)...

Por todos esses momentos, mas sobretudo pela cumplicidade que mantemos sempre apesar das nossas "vidas sociais" completamente distintas... tenho saudades!

E porque serás sempre o meu "maninho", por muito que tenhas o dobro do meu tamanho... tem cuidado contigo, e... não faças nada que eu não fizesse!;)

9 February 2007

Sobre mim...

You Are 22% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.
How Evil Are You?

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to do more for you.

With respect to money, you are a bit stingy.

You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.
Who's The True You?

You Have Low Self Esteem 12% of the Time

Which can be translated to mean, you have high self-esteem and a healthy sense of self worth.
You believe in yourself, and you know how to be the real you. You love yourself, imperfections and all.
How is Your Self Esteem?

Your Life is 65% Perfect

Your life is pretty darn perfect. You don't have much to complain about.
Of course, your life is occasionally less than perfect. But you're usually too happy to notice.

Segundo uns questionários que andam para aí, claro!;)

26 January 2007

Verdade bonita...

"Damo-nos bem, tu e eu, tens um bom sentido de humor e rimo-nos juntas, com aquele riso das mulheres, que nasce da cumplicidade"
Isabel Allende, Inês da Minha Alma

10 January 2007

À falta de ideias originais,

duas citações:

"Why don't you and I get together,
fly to the moon and straight on to heaven?
Heads we will, tales we'll try again..."

"Blind man on the corner says it's simple,
like flipping a coin
don't matter what side it lands on if its
someone else's dime"

2 January 2007

Manhãs molengas...

Depois de meses praticamente sem posts, descobri um poema escrito há 2 meses, mas que me lembra as "manhãs" de dia 1 de Janeiro... Aqui fica, com votos de bom ano para todos!

Está sol
e eu estou mole
Feliz, mas sem paciência
Cansada sem grande razão
Adormecida por dentro,
sem emoção...

A olhar para o vazio
sem nada ver
por fora ou por dentro
e sem querer,
sem grande vontade
de acordar,
regressar à realidade...
Dá tanto trabalho
que me deixo estar
só mais um bocado,
a flutuar...